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A letter to me....

After reading a brilliant, touching blog "Dear Me" by premmeditations and that she had created a linky relating to this topic , inspired me to write my own letter to myself....


Dear Me....

I felt this needed to be written, that you need to read and understand that no matter what you should never feel guilty. Guilt plays a big part in your life and maybe its time to let it go and realise that nothing you did caused this. You are not being punished....no one knows why these things happen but it does and nothing can change that...

When Roo's problems became apparent the first thought that crossed your mind was " was it something I did?". You thought back to the early days...the days when you conceived Roo... You had been pregnant before conceiving Roo thanks to 6 long months of fertility treatment but sadly you went on to lose the baby...the hospital told you that you only had one month of treatment left and that there would be no more after this lot as you had reached your maximum allowed on the fertility drugs otherwise you could increase your risk of endocrine cancer in the future... they said it was up to you if you wanted to complete the course  ...you spent a few days grieving and wondering what to do for the best...You decided to go ahead as you felt that if you didn't you would be plagued with "what ifs" for the rest of your life....2 wks after the treatment you found out that you were pregnant again....Your joy was tinged with sadness and fear....You saw Roo's heartbeat when he was just 7wks old in your womb and it was a wonderful feeling....But then you had a difficult pregnancy didn't you....

You developed Hyperemis Gravardium yet again ( you had this with all your previous pregnancies) so you were put onto anti sickness medication...you wondered if it was that , that made Roo the way he was but then you realised that you had the same meds throughout your other pregnancies and your older children are fine so you didn't need to feel guilty about taking those meds....You felt guilty about your diet when pregnant as due to the Hyperemis you were unable to eat most foods and only survived on fizzy juice & toast & chocolate... not exactly the healthy diet all pregnant women should follow, you wondered if this had harmed Roo development but again there is no need to feel guilty as your other pregnancies were the exact same...

At 24 wks you developed severe SPD resulting in you being housebound, relying on crutches to get you around...the pain was horrendous, so intense that you spent some days crying and feeling so helpless because you couldn't do anything for your family, relying on others to care for your older children, to do the school runs and much more...so the doctors told you to take some very strong painkillers & that you would have to be monitored more closely to make sure the baby was OK...You had regular checks, regular blood tests and all seemed OK and you were told that you had to be weaned off the painkillers at 36wks pregnant as the risk of breathing problems is higher if you take the painkillers further on in pregnancy... When you were 34wks pregnant the doctors discovered you had a Vitamin B12 deficiency so needed to go onto Folic Acid tablets for the rest of your pregnancy.... the guilt you feel from having to take all those meds is immense....its was unavoidable... you would never have been able to carry on with the pregnancy if you didn't take those meds...you needed to be a mum to your other children, dont feel guilty please.....

When Roo was born a week early, he was silent, grey and you remember your hubby asking the midwife if Roo was breathing...midwife said there was a pulse but could see he was struggling so the emergency alarms were pressed and you could do nothing except lie there and watch two doctors running in, grabbing Roo off your chest and take him out of the room.... You were terrified, scared that something was seriously wrong...You wondered if the epidural that you had caused this...you started thinking to yourself " i wish I didn't have the epidural, did that cause this?" A short time later a midwife walked through smiling and holding your screaming Roo...you gathered him in your arms, showering him with kisses and silently thanking God that he was OK...

Amazingly you were told to go home 6 hours after his birth as the wards were busy beyond belief and that they simply had nowhere for you to stay and they said all was fine with Roo...but what about his checks by a Paediatrician as all babies have to have that before leaving hospital but midwife told you that its was fine as the midwives and GP at home can do the checks and that Roo was fine, breathing well and pink....so 10pm that night you left the hospital bound for home with your precious bundle...The next day when your own midwife visited she was shocked that the hospital had sent you both home without Roo being checked...she phoned the hospital there and then in your living room and told them straight that she was not impressed at all as they should have known that gp's no longer do the checks...so she immediately arranged for you and Roo to go back into hosp to be checked over...When you look back you feel guilty that you never put your foot down and demanded a paed to come and check Roo out before being discharged... It was not your fault...it was the hospital... The checks was done by a trainee doctor and all was fine...

At 11wks old you took Roo for his 6 wk check up as they were running late hence why he was late in getting his checks...HV measured his head and was shocked and did the measurements 3 times...you started to panic a little as you were watching her expressions closely...she then proceeded to ask you questions...you told her how you were a bit concerned that Roo didn't seem to have any head control and was very floppy...she immediately said that she was very concerned and called the doctor in who did all the checks and said that Roo needed to be referred urgently to the Sick Kids...You walked out of that appointment with tears in your eyes, you were absolutely terrified, scared for his future...when you got home you sat on the sofa, feeding Roo and your mind started to wander...."Was it something I did when I was pregnant, was it because I fell pregnant too soon after losing the baby, was it because of all the meds I had to take, was it because I drank too much fizzy juice, was it because I was sick every single day....the list goes on and on... the guilt you felt was overwhelming...

As the months/years have gone by , everytime you see Roo undergo yet another test you feel so guilty that he has to go through all this, you keep searching your past for reasons, you are desperate to find out the whys Roo is the way he is but you need to accept that you are NOT GUILTY , even if you were to rewind time Roo would still be born the way he was... his problems are genetic...So please stop feeling so guilty, its OK to cry, its OK to grieve for the child Roo isn't, its OK to rant about the lack of support undiagnosed children get & having to fund specialised equipment yourself...but please please stop the guilt...you are innocent...you are a  mother who loves her children dearly....Remember how much you wanted Roo, how much you wanted your other children, remember all the treatment you underwent in order to have the family you always dreamed of, remember the good times, the laughter & the smiles...You will get answers one day and that day your life will change and you will stop feeling guilty... it takes time but you will get there....

Its time to forgive yourself, time to let go of the guilt...






Comments

  1. Oh my goodness. I read this with tears streaming down my face. I am so very honoured that you posted it in the Give up the Guilt linky. What an amazing fellow Roo sounds (he and my Boo would be friends, I think). We don't currently have an official diagnosis beyond Boo having infantile spasms. But we are quite sure this will come soon. I can't imagine how hard living without a diagnosis must be.

    But you must forgive yourself. I guess the hard part will be telling yourself what is very clear to me that you have NOTHING to forgive yourself for. This is NOT your fault, as you say. You have been badly let down by the system (sadly something I've heard about too much of in the last 12 months), but as you say, since his problems are genetic, there is no one to blame, no other possible way things could have ended up.

    What is clear to me is that you have a remarkable little boy and you are an amazing mum. Your love for him is palpable in every word of this fabulous post. I know it will help others. I hope writing it has been helpful to you.

    I'm really pleased to have connected with you and to have found your blog!

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  2. Wow , I hope there is a rainbow after this storm.You did everything you needed to do and more.No guilt. Thanks for linking upto #postsfromtheheart

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  3. Oh Jenni, this really is a post from the heart. The problems your son has are totally, utterly and absolutely NOT your fault. I know as a mother we blame ourselves for anything that strays from 'normal'. But, please stop feeling guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about. I really hope that you get some answers for Roo and that he goes from strength to strength x
    #PostsFromTheHeart
    @Talking_Mums

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